a farewell to the world

I beg what ever higher power is out there "please let my heart stop".  Please let my pain end and these tears dry up.

I scream and scream and scream and no one looks up.

I am but one tiny insignificant spec in a world obsessed with itself.  There is no room for me.

No matter how hard I beg for the one thing I need I am still too gutless to slit my wrists.

My prayers go unanswered.  Why can't it end?

This torment is too much, the horrors in my mind I try to claw out but I cannot reach what does not exist.

Trapped, alone, unable to ask for what I need, not knowing what I need, wondering if I have a right to ask for it when I have so much and others have so little.  How can I be so selfish as to cry because my privileged life is not enough.

Agony, just agony.  I want it to end, I need it to end.  But I cannot cut it out.

Tears are like blood on my cheeks.

No one will hear the cry.

A million people will walk by and no one will hear.

How do I tell those I love what is killing me when they cannot understand, when they cannot see.

What is there to live for?  My cat?  The one creature that would truly die without me?  A husband who cannot see how the life I am leading right now kills me?  My dog ... she would find another to love.

A family that would be angry at me for leaving this world, yet they have never once understood me?

What is it that I have to live for?

The universe will still go on, regardless if one spec checks out.

In a generation I will be lost to history, another nameless face no one remembers.  Who would even care that I took my life?

I cannot find a reason that is justifiable to live.

I will dry my eyes.  I will bottle up a bit more.

Who knows ... maybe next time I crack I will end my pain.  I will have the courage to actually do it.

I clean up this shell of a human being and lock away this raw emotion.

No one will understand it.  No one will listen.

So for now I will paint over the cracks, put on a brave face and hide.

Hide the pain that no one can help me with.

With lock and key it is put away.

Maybe next time I will succeed.

This is all I hope and pray for in a world where asking for help gets you no where.

Maybe next time I will be brave.

Maybe next time ...