The commercialisation of Christmas

The much dreaded and loved time of year approaches.  Christmas.  A celebration that has its roots in both pagan and Christian traditions.  Originally Christmas was to mark the middle of winter under pagan tradition before the Roman Emperors decided the move Christ's birthday to the 25th of December in order to facilitate more pagans converting to Christianity.  And Santa Claus ... this character as we know him was hijacked by the Coca Cola company to market soft drink, hence why he is dressed in red and white (the colours on the label of a can of Coca Cola).  

However the legend of St Nicolas is true enough.  He was an actual person who gave out gifts to the poor.  Perhaps there is a bit of Christmas good will to be learnt from this.  

I was reading a post on failbook.org (tried to find it but alas it was too late), a website for all the ridiculous posts made on facebook.  One such post was a young girl's outrage at getting only $750 as a Christmas gift and not getting any presents.  Most of us would read that post in disgust at how greedy and self centred that child is being.  I certainly never received such a gift ever from my parents.  

In fact the most expensive present I have ever received from my family was a car but said car was already 20 years old when I received it and my entire family - brothers, sisters, grandparents - had chipped in to give me the car as a 21st birthday present.  That car was my pride and joy, partly because my family had chipped in for it, until I moved to a new country and had to sell it.  I still feel a pang of loss when I think about it because it was like an old friend to me.

But I digress.  Returning to the earlier point, what does it say about society now that a child can make such a self centred post on Facebook?  Personally if a child of mine had written such a post I would be taking said gift and giving it to someone who better deserves it.  And that is the real point.  We get caught up in the whole hype of Christmas, that we must give to everyone in our lives - friends, family, the dog, the cat, that cousin you see only at Christmas, the teacher, the girl you say hi to at the supermarket.  We are so busy giving and preparing for the Christmas day feasts and focusing inward in an attempt to focus outward, do we ever stop to think why we need to buy all these gifts?

We are so conditioned to buy gifts that we will do so without thought to why or should we.  Without sounding ungrateful to my family, I will use this example.  I personally am more of a tom boy.  I would rather buy a new part for my computer than make up, I read tech blogs over fashion blogs, the only designer clothing I own was given to me and even then I don't recognise the brand (I'm told it is designer however) and my husband actually finds me less attractive wearing make up and fancy clothes (he thinks its unnecessary).  And above all I find strong smells like vanilla sickening (I'm told this is a trait of being on the Autism Spectrum because Aspies are hyper sensitive to things like sound, smell, touch etc.).  Yet every year waiting without fail under a Christmas tree my dear loving mother will place countless smelly bath salts, moisturisers scented with vanilla or what ever flower is her flavour of the month, make up and other such girlie items.

You may think I am being a bit of a bitch for writing this, but I'm asking you to look at this perspective.  My mother, who is not a rich person, has spent a couple hundred dollars of her money to place these items there for me.  These are items that will not be used.  In all likelihood they will be discarded at some point in the future, mostly likely unused, when they pass their use by date or they are dug out from underneath what ever pile of stuff has accumulated on top of them.  They are worthless items to me, especially when I have sensitivities to many chemicals found in shampoos, make up, conditioners, soaps and so on.  I can't even use most of them because of these reasons.

I ask you to think about this.  My mother has taken her hard earned, hard won money, and tossed it away.  The end result of her conditioned consumerism.  She has become so conditioned to placing these items under the Christmas tree that it becomes irrelevant whether or not they are items that will benefit me.  They benefit the big companies that produce them as they are another sale, thus adding that little bit to their piles of wealth.  They damage the earth because I will end up tossing out perfectly good items because I have ultimately no use for them.  And the head way that my mother has made on the debts she needs to pay is eroded a little bit more for these meaningless gifts to be under the Christmas tree.

My point is this, gifts that are given because we have to or ill-advised are not benefiting anyone but massive corporations wanting you to buy stuff and banks who are happy to lend you money to waste.  If you give excessive and inappropriate gifts, the wrong people pay the debt.  There are those that would say "Just be happy you got something".  Why should I be happy knowing that my mother's need to feel acceptance at Christmas, a need feed by creative marketing, is only at her detriment.  It benefits the wrong people.  It does not benefit her to see the "Oh that's lovely" look while I shove it under a near by pillow.  It doesn't benefit the world when I throw out said product.  It doesn't benefit her when she gets her credit card bill in January.  

So this year maybe do something good for the world and take that $750 and give it to someone who really needs it.  At this time of year there is many animal rescue groups over flowing with kittens and puppies from people who didn't think to desex their animals, or worse, just didn't care.  They are in this world because society looked on them as a disposable commodity.  They are not.  They are living creatures too.  And those creatures need to be feed.  And taken to the vet.  And desexed.  How many kittens and puppies will die in January because said kitten or puppy is no longer cute?  Or said human is bored of it?  How many will pay with their lives for this?  A pet is for life, not until you get bored.

Not up for animals.  How many people are in your community sleeping in a car?  How many children won't get any gift for Christmas?  My niece lives with her mother who does not have a lot of money after loosing her job and because my niece's father won't pay child support.  My niece's mother cannot give her a gift this Christmas.  The gifts she gets will be from the rest of her family.  We have closed ranks to make sure her Christmas is special.  How many other children in this world won't get that?  There are many who just want a roof over their heads.

This year maybe pay it forward instead of paying it inward.

Narcisism and Social Media

In my previous post I described social media as narcissistic by its very nature.  I stand by that observation.

Social media is inwardly focused in its conception and execution.  Twitter being one of the worst offenders.

When we place a post on Facebook, Twitter ...what ever social media we use we are declaring to the world we want to be noticed.  We want the world to acknowledge our small achievement in life such as clipping our toe nails or that random bird we just saw out the window.  Our posts are inward looking and we are hoping that those on our friends lists will look at them and respond with some sort of congratulations or acknowledgement.

For those who measure self worth by social interaction, this is a fantastic way to boost our egos.  We can put out a needy post and hope that those on our friends lists will call our bluffs and restore our self worth.  Or we can link a picture of a poor cancer kid and hope that they see our like and we can feel we have done our part for the world.  Our contribution to the world if you like.

Perhaps you might recall the Kony 2012 campaign.  A great way to raise awareness but did anyone honestly think that liking a picture or post was going to bring this man to justice?  That liking or commenting on said pictures or posts would magically put him in prison?  This man likely has no access to Facebook, is perhaps unaware of what Facebook is, and a campaign on such a platform is unlikely to do anything other than make him giggle if he saw it.  I will state I am not on the side of this sicko.  I am merely pointing out that those who did like or comment on these posts were merely filling their good deed quota for the day and moving on, not really taking in the whole gravity of the situation or why this man was creating child soldiers in the first place.

The likely reason ... to gain control of resource rich areas of the world to build his wealth by supplying Western civilisation with the raw materials they need to make their computers, smart phones, tablets etc.  I didn't really look too far into the one specific example of Kony, which I have read he had already been dealt with prior to the campaign beginning anyway.  But I have researched the situations in Africa and in the Congo and this reason is the big reason for so much unrest.  Religious fundamentalism is also there, but at the heart of any fundamentalism is the need to fund such fundamentalism.

So while many people liked away, they didn't really understand that their rampant need for consumerism and electronics was the actual reason behind such men as Kony.  Thus we make the clear case for social media and its inward looking narcissism.  By clicking like on a picture calling for Kony's arrest, we are filling our need to feel like we have made a difference in the world and then move on to something else.  A purely selfish act at it's heart because it had nothing to do with educating the masses about the plight of the children in Africa as child soldiers and nothing to do with bringing a man to justice for his heinous crimes against humanity but everything to do with making the West feel less at fault for causing the situation in the first place.

Thoughts of death

One thought circles in my  head every day.  The thought of death.  As a society, we frown upon the idea of suicide thinking that it will encourage others.  Yet this is the one thing that I think means suicide occurs.  Who do you turn to when all of the world says your thoughts and feelings are not ok?

Suicide will always happen in this world.  We live in a world where we are more and more removed from community and family.  My family lives hundreds of kilometres from me.  My parents in law abandon their home town on a whim.  I have no true friends, just many acquaintances.  My support network is merely what I can buy.  If I do not have the means to buy a support network I am left with nothing.

I am told by society I have to have a career, a job I love, a family, a loving husband, a house, a car etc ... the picture perfect life, that life that is a cookie cutter of everyone else's.  My whole world tells me what my life should be then looks down on my when I live outside that life.  We pretend that we are free to choose but we are simply doing what is required of us.

There are those in this world that will say "I am different because I am doing what I love" or "I am different because I help those".  Yet we are all told to be something in this world we live in.  We all have that notion of wealth.  The secret hope of winning the lottery so that we can live the opulent life we believe we should lead.

So what happens when you cannot live up to this expectation?  

Society is so critical of anyone who strays from the norm.  So therefore it is easy to see how someone who has Asperger's syndrome, a condition that by its definition separates us from the norms of society, could think of suicide. But what about someone who has no mental condition to fall back on?  Do we judge them for not being able to meet the crushing weight of expectation of society?

I think of death because society has isolated me.  It has made me isolated.  It has become so cold and uncaring that we, a social species, are beginning to struggle within the void we have created.

Those who take their lives, they take their lives either because there is no other way to end the pain in their heads or lives or alternatively because society has failed them.  Sometimes all that is needed is for one person to reach out and understand, to ask "Are you ok?" and not leave it at a yes.  But in a world that is inherently narcissistic, what hope do those in pain have of being asked this question?

I will explore in later posts the idea that society is narcissistic at it's core and how it fails those who need it most.  

My husband holds me in this world.  The idea of hurting him means my thoughts are just that one day it will all end.  I think life is a blessing that we should enjoy but alas my depression does not allow me to see it for its value and instead it looks at a world where I am but a ghost, a fragment of memory in a few people's minds which even then will fade.  I hope for a day when I do not wish an oncoming car will take away my suffering.  But in a world that thinks depression can be resolved with a pill or talking (both of which have not worked for me) I think I will carry this dark burden until I do leave this world one way or another.

The World looks in

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xr5mpg_national-geographic-strange-behaviour-tourettes-and-other-disorders-pdtv-clip1_shortfilms


Society is a collection of ideals pressed together to form some sort of unspoken rule book about how we should all live.


Have you ever stopped and thought about what would happen if you could not follow that rule book?  Society is understanding of those who can't follow the rule book because they are missing an arm or a leg or an eye or what ever body part it maybe.  That is easy to relate too.  You can put your hand behind your back and pretend you only have one limb or close one eye and get a taste of that person's world.


Yet society does not allow people to step out of line when it comes to social disorders.  Or mental illness.  


As I write this I wonder if social disorder or mental illness is a correct word for it.  These words imply something is wrong.  In the case of anxiety and depression, which are due to illness caused by an endless list of reasons, something like Asperger's I would say is not an illness or a disorder.


It would be like saying that a person with a certain colour skin is ill, or perhaps everyone with brown hair is "ill".  The genetic code that makes up who you are is unique to you and if it so happens that you end up with a brain that works slightly differently to most other people's brain, is that really an illness?  


I would say that it is just another way of being human.  Unfortunately society does not look at things in this light.  If you are different, even in a minor way, then society casts you out.  It doesn't matter if you can help your situation or not, society doesn't want to know you.


An evolutionary take on this could be that those who did not fit in with society when we were cave men got push out of the family unit and failed to pass on their genetic traits, thus strengthening the species as useful genetics were weeded out.  But we no longer run around in grass lands hoping to kill a beast with nothing more than a sharpened rock on the end of a stick.  Society has evolved and this argument should be invalid.


People who are not the same as society have much to offer.  They maybe just offer it in a different way.  The video linked above has two of the most amazing autistic men in it.  They not only have learned how to communicate and function independently in society they want to help others to do the same.  They are living examples of how we should not label autism as mental illness.  They are functioning human beings with much to offer, they just can't communicate in the same way as we do.


It was interesting that the man with tourettes in the above video wore a T shirt when out in public stating he had  tourettes.  That almost made me want to cry that society would be so unsupportive as to force a man dealing with a condition that is difficult to manage on its own without forcing him to label himself essentially, kind of almost like putting a sandwich board on the man, so that people would understand and accept him.


Imagine if we all had a sandwich board to wear.  What secret would yours say?  


We who are different are judged and so little thought is given to how that judgement affects us.  Would you like to be a situation where you fight panic every time you talk to someone?  The fear of saying the wrong thing and not knowing why people pull away from you?  Would you like to be in a situation where all you want to do is be a friend and have a friend yet there is few who can look past your "inappropriateness" to see the real you?


Society judges very harshly those who do not fit in with perfection.  The frustration, the terror, the anxiety, that goes with simple every day tasks, can be crippling.  You never know what people hide from the world each day.  While you too may have your own demons or problems you hide from the world, consider that for those of us who have a mental illness like autism or Asperger's syndrome or tourettes, consider how trying to fit into a world that has no room for them feels.


That person who keeps to themselves in the corner might just not simply know how to say hello.  Maybe you could do them a favour and instead of seeing them as weird just see them as a person.

The little things you take for granted

Have you ever stopped and thought about how easy it is to say hello to another person?  To ask how their day is?  Maybe strike up a conversation?

Imagine now that saying hello to someone is enough to freeze you in panic.  Like a band is tightening around your insides.  All from a simple hello.

When you have Asperger's syndrome, social interaction is hard wired to be one of the most terrifying things imaginable.  Something most people in this world would take for granted, like the ability to talk, walk, hear, see.

It is easier for us to relate to the person who cannot walk than the person who cannot talk to another without a paralysing fear taking over them.  That is easy to understand.  The ability to interact socially is key to human society.  At all levels of society this ability is an asset rather than a disability.

Research has shown that in the brain of a person with Asperger's is structurally different than the brain of a normal person.  This means social queues are interpreted differently.  Often a person with Asperger's needs to process this information, which can take longer than the few instances a normal conversation allows.  Asperger's people often report that they think of the right thing to say at a later time.  This is because they have to process a conversation by comparing the conversation to previous experiences.  This is a slow process compared with the normal process most people will experience.

I would imagine it is similar to learning to play the piano.  At first you are clumsy and slow and unsure.  Then eventually after practice you get better at it until it becomes second nature to look at the notes on a piece of paper and make your fingers do the work.  Kind of like a child taking their first stumbling steps until they can run and play like any other child.

Expect for an Asperger's person in a way never get past those first bumbling steps.  Imagine speaking to your mother or brother or sister and having in the back of your mind that you are saying or doing something wrong.  Imagine if someone says a simple hello you are crippled by a paralysing fear of not being able to understand those signals readily.  Imagine trying to come up with a response but it just seems like your brain can't think fast enough.  You always feel like a piece is missing when you are speaking to someone and it is frustrating and terrifying.  Frustrating like trying to make two ends of rope join without glue or a knot and terrifying because you have no idea what the correct response is.

This fear and anxiety over the reactions an Asperger's person will receive for their attempts at interaction is what drives them to seek solitude and to avoid social interaction.  It takes a special kind of person to look past the unusual exterior and see the real person for this reason.

what does depression feel like?

Imagine how you feel floating in water.  You feel light weight and sort of cushioned.  


Take that feeling and now add weights to your arms and legs.  You feel numb, you feel light headed, you feel like you are not inside your body, like there is just a thin thread of energy holding you to this physical form.  You tell yourself to move but the connection seems broken.  You want to feel something, but you just can't seem to feel anything.


There seems to be a weight on top of you, but you feel nothing.  Everything seems hazy and distant, you see the world but not really.  Its like a fog is trying to roll in and block your view.


I would say it is much like swimming in tar.  You are trying to fight even though you know it is useless to fight.  You want to fight but everything is disconnected.  Darkness rolls in from the edges, making vision disappear.  Depression, like a blanket, wraps itself around you, but more like a snake, saps all that you are from your fragile human shell.


You just want something, anything, to make you feel something.  The numbness is like being locked in a room alone.  After a while you hate the blank walls around you and no matter how hard you scream no one seems to listen, let alone understand.  So you try to feel something.  Pain.  Taste.  Anything.


Pain reminds you that you live.  It reminds you that the little thread connecting to your body is still there and strong enough to pull you in.  For me, I personally do not self harm any more, but I understand it.  


It is also a cry for someone to see the pain that is inside.  It is a sign of deep and troubling thoughts.  One who self harms cannot put into words what they feel so they express it otherwise.


Perhaps I do self harm.  When I get depressed I eat.  So my waist line gets bigger.  The taste of chocolate is comforting.  Where others have failed to understand, chocolate seems to not judge but for an instant while it is on my tongue I get a wave of delight.


A wave, a blip, that is quickly swallowed again by darkness.

What's in a label?

I am me.  I am a person.  I am a woman.  I am a wife, a daugther, a sister.


Yet I have a label.  I am not that label.  Yet I will be judged by that label.

What does it mean to have the label placed on you?  To be labelled with a mental illness?


While it might seem easy for one looking in to say "but if you know what it is then you can get help and people will understand" that is often far from the truth.


What do you think of when you think of autism?  I would bet heavily it is not a fully functioning person who goes to work every day and has a loving family waiting at home for them.  I would be you would think of the more classic definition of a person who cannot communicate, control their body or understand the world around them.  You would consider them invalid for all intensive purposes.


Asperger's syndrome is a form of autism.  A mild form so to speak.  It is found on the autism spectrum, much like learning disorders like dyslexia and other disorders like ADD or ADHD.  Think again.  Would you label someone as mentally unstable or mentally challenged if they had dyslexia for instance?  Unlikely.  I'm guessing you would accept they have a problem and work with it.  You would not view them as unstable or crazy.


Yet this is the world we face.  We would like to think we live in an ideal world where we can walk around screaming at the top of our lungs "I have Asperger's Syndrome!  I am depressed!  I have severe anxiety!"  The real world is often not that kind.  It is just like we would like to pretend that racism, sexism, homophobia and so on does not exist.  It does.  It will always exist.  No matter your skin colour, sexual preference, gender, age, height, weight etc there is at least one point in your life where you will be discriminated because of this characteristic. 


However unlike the examples given previously, mental disorders can be hidden. There is little a practised veteran of society will show outwardly to the average Joe of their condition.  We long term suffers get pretty good at this.  Only our loved ones might know something is really wrong because of the subtle changes in behaviour.  


Perhaps it is good that we long term suffers can hide these conditions.  We appear strong to the world.  Yet often we are more like spider silk in a storm.  There is strength but all it takes is the right rain drop to destroy that fragile mentality we hold onto.  And if we were judged by our condition, which is not who we are but a label created to describe us to others, then we would suffer at the hands of others endless.


When my husband first learned of my diagnosis with Asperger's, he was at first accepting.  He just figured that everything would be alight and we would continue on.  I encouraged him to read on the subject.  I wanted him to be educated.  I wanted him to know what he faced.  


At first he shrugged it off saying he already knew what he was in for.  But it wasn't until he read a poorly written article that shone a negative light on relationships where one person has Asperger's that suddenly things changed.  He grew cold and distant and for a short time I was afraid that we might not survive this diagnosis.  He saw a future where my condition would drive us apart.


Luckily my husband looked past this.  We are now happy as can be and I thank the world for his love and support every day.  He is a rare gem.  But that misinformation that was out there, that information that offered no hope and only a dark future, could have cost me my soul mate.


And that is the type of information that lurks out in the real world.  Information that is accurate but tainted by another's poor experiences or opinions.  The internet has no regulation, that is why I can write this blog and publish it, and unfortunately if you are not guarded enough then this information will lead you down an incorrect track.


Not all people in this world are gifted with the ability to filter this information.  This is what leads to judgement.  I have been told that I personally am a delight to talk too because I have a vast general knowledge, a dry sense of humour and wit, as well as an animated and engaging way of delivering content.  Yet if you knew I had Asperger's Syndrome, could you look past the oddities?  Could you look past the bluntness, the truth that is told in that converstation?  How about the social faux pas and perhaps rude gestures that are sprinkled in?  


If you can get past that, you will probably find a friend for life.

The Demons We Angels Must Face

Is it strength that gets me out of bed each morning or stupidity?  Many would long ago have conceded the war and given up but somehow I rise from my slumber and rely on my careful routines I have in place to guide me through my day.


If not for those routines which are so hard to break, I with I would be dead.  That which is me would have ceased to be long ago.


Maybe I have ceased to exist and all that is left is an automaton, a ghost moving through this world, for I do not feel or take pleasure in its presence.  It has turned grey and distant, a surreal haze I pass through as I pretend to be a full functioning person.


A line exists from my feet, a line I must follow.  It is a line of deception, a way to hide the darkness, the depths of this violent ocean that threaten to crush me into the ground.  It presses against me and the bright line is all that exists in a void of madness and demons.


This line holds no comfort for it represents not hope but hopelessness.  There is no hope that I will find a way out and that only the ocean will grow heavier as I sink further into its cold emptiness.  


Yet it is not empty.  The demons laugh at the struggle.  Each foot forward is a war won, or perhaps lost for the line drags at my feet with such force that I must step forward.  One foot then another.  One foot then another.


Long ago I lost the ability to choose.  Now the line is all that exists.  It is my comfort and my curse.  It has decided my fate.  Darkness waits.


There is only one choice now.  


There is only one end.


The last choice is mine to make.  Always mine to make.


When the end is reached well that is always my decision.


Do I have the strength to go on?  To carry this weight upon weakening shoulders?  The weight is crushing.


The line grows dim and in the growing darkness the demons laugh.


The know they have won.



A piece written in one of my darkest moments.  Depression is a word so many have heard but so few understand.  Above is a glimpse into the world of someone who is severely depressed.  


Depression is not the feeling of being down or sad.  Depression is so much more than that.  To define depression as feeling sad would be like calling an elephant a chair.  They are two different things.  I can be sad that my cat died but depression is an illness that grips you in two hands and can cripple you.


The purpose of this blog is to focus on mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.  I suffer from both due to a condition called Asperger's syndrome.  This is also combined with hypothyroidism.  These two conditions mean that depression and anxiety will forever be part of my life and no magic pill will vanish them in an instant.  There is no cure so to speak for either of these conditions.


I hope that through blogging about my own experiences I will be able to educate and perhaps reach out to others who suffer in silence.  Mental health can be so well hidden it would difficult to  identify everyone who had it.  


My thoughts for this post are this:


Tomorrow, after reading this post, I would like you to go out into the world and look around and think to yourself "some of these people suffer in silence.  How many could it be?"  I don't know the answer but I could guarantee you it would be more than you think.