Imagine how you feel floating in water. You feel light weight and sort of cushioned.
Take that feeling and now add weights to your arms and legs. You feel numb, you feel light headed, you feel like you are not inside your body, like there is just a thin thread of energy holding you to this physical form. You tell yourself to move but the connection seems broken. You want to feel something, but you just can't seem to feel anything.
There seems to be a weight on top of you, but you feel nothing. Everything seems hazy and distant, you see the world but not really. Its like a fog is trying to roll in and block your view.
I would say it is much like swimming in tar. You are trying to fight even though you know it is useless to fight. You want to fight but everything is disconnected. Darkness rolls in from the edges, making vision disappear. Depression, like a blanket, wraps itself around you, but more like a snake, saps all that you are from your fragile human shell.
You just want something, anything, to make you feel something. The numbness is like being locked in a room alone. After a while you hate the blank walls around you and no matter how hard you scream no one seems to listen, let alone understand. So you try to feel something. Pain. Taste. Anything.
Pain reminds you that you live. It reminds you that the little thread connecting to your body is still there and strong enough to pull you in. For me, I personally do not self harm any more, but I understand it.
It is also a cry for someone to see the pain that is inside. It is a sign of deep and troubling thoughts. One who self harms cannot put into words what they feel so they express it otherwise.
Perhaps I do self harm. When I get depressed I eat. So my waist line gets bigger. The taste of chocolate is comforting. Where others have failed to understand, chocolate seems to not judge but for an instant while it is on my tongue I get a wave of delight.
A wave, a blip, that is quickly swallowed again by darkness.
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