Christmas is always a both wonderful and sad time of year. We have wonder in the season, but we also are around our family and it is then that we might see things we do not want too.
For the first time in three years I spent Christmas with my family. And I came to the conclusion that each of my family members is in denial about an aspect of their lives. My mother, for instance, sees my father's long list of selfish choices but instead of saying "enough is enough" and doing what is necessary to look after herself, she continues on in a dark depression. One sister is in denial about how dangerous and toxic the father of her son can be in her life. The other is in denial about the isolation her fiancée has her in. My brother is in denial about the truth of his fiancée.
I observed all the dynamics in my family, the push and pull of each family member on the other, the fake smiles, the denial. I came to two conclusions. The first being that even with all my issues surrounding my Asperger's Syndrome I am actually the least mentally messed up in my family. The second, living with what you know, no matter how destructive it is on yourself or those around you, seems to be a more favourable to live in a horrible situation than to leave it.
I know first hand about this. I lived for four years in the grips of a mentally abusive relationship. My only serious boyfriend prior to my husband was a manipulative man who only cared for his own desires. I knew the instant I got involved with him the relationship was doomed but it took four years before I had the strength to toss him out of my life.
I lived in denial about the relationship. I thought eventually things would change and I would have my dream. I always remember thinking to myself that the instant I said the words "I love you" it would all be over. So for close to four years I held those words in my heart. As if to bring that prophecy to pass, the only time I ever told him how I felt was on the last day I saw him. I said "I love you, you idiot. Why do you think I have put up with this so long?" I always recall he was taken back by those words but it didn't change that it was the last time I ever saw him.
But that denial was what kept me going. I could live in a pseudo world of hope that my fairy tale ending would come true. I even let my ex boyfriend back into my life for two years after we broke up in a foolish attempt to have what I wanted while he took everything. I prayed for two years that we would work it out. But all that went up in smoke the day I found his online dating profile. He was happy to sleep with me but not happy to disclose to me that he was actively looking for someone else, thus risking my life for his own selfish need to feel good.
I was in denial because I feared the unknown. I feared that I wasn't worth something better. I feared I would have no more physical contact ever with another person. I feared being alone. There was a lot I would have to face if I let my ex out of my life. And that thought was daunting, terrifying even.
So when I look at my family, and the obviousness of the issues they face, I think back to my time with my ex. I realize that it is not for me to decide what is best for them. They have to be ready to leave that comfort zone and face the unknown. My mother says to me "I've been with him for thirty years". I say "Is that a reason to live in a constant state of depression?"
We each teach others how to treat us. And if we live in denial and refuse to change the status quo then perhaps we are more guilty of being afraid of the unknown rather than being in denial. I believe we all see the truth, but it takes a very strong person to step outside what they know in order to try and achieve the happiness we all crave. So perhaps our own happiness lies within stepping into the unknown rather than living in denial.
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