Thoughts of death

One thought circles in my  head every day.  The thought of death.  As a society, we frown upon the idea of suicide thinking that it will encourage others.  Yet this is the one thing that I think means suicide occurs.  Who do you turn to when all of the world says your thoughts and feelings are not ok?

Suicide will always happen in this world.  We live in a world where we are more and more removed from community and family.  My family lives hundreds of kilometres from me.  My parents in law abandon their home town on a whim.  I have no true friends, just many acquaintances.  My support network is merely what I can buy.  If I do not have the means to buy a support network I am left with nothing.

I am told by society I have to have a career, a job I love, a family, a loving husband, a house, a car etc ... the picture perfect life, that life that is a cookie cutter of everyone else's.  My whole world tells me what my life should be then looks down on my when I live outside that life.  We pretend that we are free to choose but we are simply doing what is required of us.

There are those in this world that will say "I am different because I am doing what I love" or "I am different because I help those".  Yet we are all told to be something in this world we live in.  We all have that notion of wealth.  The secret hope of winning the lottery so that we can live the opulent life we believe we should lead.

So what happens when you cannot live up to this expectation?  

Society is so critical of anyone who strays from the norm.  So therefore it is easy to see how someone who has Asperger's syndrome, a condition that by its definition separates us from the norms of society, could think of suicide. But what about someone who has no mental condition to fall back on?  Do we judge them for not being able to meet the crushing weight of expectation of society?

I think of death because society has isolated me.  It has made me isolated.  It has become so cold and uncaring that we, a social species, are beginning to struggle within the void we have created.

Those who take their lives, they take their lives either because there is no other way to end the pain in their heads or lives or alternatively because society has failed them.  Sometimes all that is needed is for one person to reach out and understand, to ask "Are you ok?" and not leave it at a yes.  But in a world that is inherently narcissistic, what hope do those in pain have of being asked this question?

I will explore in later posts the idea that society is narcissistic at it's core and how it fails those who need it most.  

My husband holds me in this world.  The idea of hurting him means my thoughts are just that one day it will all end.  I think life is a blessing that we should enjoy but alas my depression does not allow me to see it for its value and instead it looks at a world where I am but a ghost, a fragment of memory in a few people's minds which even then will fade.  I hope for a day when I do not wish an oncoming car will take away my suffering.  But in a world that thinks depression can be resolved with a pill or talking (both of which have not worked for me) I think I will carry this dark burden until I do leave this world one way or another.